


Meaningless Exhaustion

by Mingyou17



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, cho seungyoun-centric, implied bipolar disorder, not as sad as it sounds, romantic or platonic seungseok you decide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-08-14 10:04:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20190499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mingyou17/pseuds/Mingyou17
Summary: Seungyoun's members show him what it means to be sad, happy, and everything in between.





	1. Meaningless

Seungyoun knew going into Produce X 101 was never going to be easy for him. He wasn’t young and cute like a lot of the contestants, he wasn’t traditionally handsome, he could lead but he wasn’t going to get any major screen-time because of it, and he though he was an all-rounder, he knew he couldn’t rely on any one of his skills to land him a stable position throughout the program. It was a humbling thought, that he had debuted and had years of experience over what would be a group of mostly teenagers, yet he could quite easily be ignored and viewed as unworthy of debuting. As a result, Seungyoun’s strategy was to be the class-clown, the comic relief, knowing that it had worked for other contestants in the past. He had a bright personality so it would come naturally to him, though not comfortably. Whenever the room was quiet, he’d compensate for it, whenever the trainees were tired, he’d be the one bursting with energy even if he didn’t have it himself and whenever someone was sad, he’d comfort them and make them happy again, even if he wasn’t happy either.

His plan worked out almost perfectly and as the episodes passed by, more and more of his humour and personality made the producer’s cut into the episode and he was able to show his skills enough to gain the attention of more people than he’d become used to. He knew he was talented enough to debut, since he had already, yet having fans again and people actively interested in him came as a shock, alarming and exciting but still unfamiliar. Though it gained him the friendships of those around him, the hearts of the viewers and ultimately a spot in the debut line-up, Seungyoun’s strategy had utterly exhausted him. This wasn’t exactly aided by his new company’s decision to pretty much cancel their week-off on day 2. Seungyoun felt like he barely had the time to take a deep breath in before he was gathering his things from his mother’s house without a second to think about what he was getting into.

The dorm was chaotic, a reality that came as a bit more of a surprise than it ought to have considering he’d lived with 100 people not long ago, and what else could you expect of 11 boys? But Seungyoun had gotten used to the peace that was his mother’s house, where she’d barge into his room mid-insta live to tell him to go to sleep, most likely so that he’d stop talking so that she could sleep. For weeks he felt like he just couldn’t think, amid the exhaustion and the noise of everything. Seungyoun thought that he knew himself pretty well; during UNIQ’s hiatus, he was quick to realise that his increasingly negative thoughts when he was alone weren’t normal nor safe and so he was quite quick to try to get medical attention. Yet since joining X1, he felt like he was losing hold on what made him himself a little. He was falling back into bad habits before he even realised it; plastering on a huge grin, upping his clownish behaviour when there was a lull in the atmosphere and pushing himself to the centre of attention out of fear of fading into the background and being forgotten. He was wearing himself out quickly, but he’d prefer to be busy and tired than left with enough free time for the thoughts that plagued him to the contemplation of suicide re-arose.

Unsure as to whether the complete lull in work and the loneliness of the past or the non-stop schedules and the oppressive near-constant attention from the public would be better or worse for his mental health, Seungyoun just didn’t allow himself to switch off. Weeks passed and though Seungyoun knew his tactic was never going to last too long, he was pretty impressed by how far he’d managed to get without really thinking. He just threw himself into practice, took it upon himself to make their van journeys lively and re-energising, ran on his instinct on broadcasts and performing came both as second nature and was perhaps the thing that provided him with the purest form of happiness in life. He could quite easily see that his members had gotten closer on a deeper level and knew that his persistence in turning every conversation into a joke session was limiting that for himself but he didn’t feel like any of the other members were feeling any strain or awkwardness with him. Plus, he was pretty confident that his behaviour gave the younger members in particular an energy and mood boost, even if they didn’t directly say it.

Currently, Seungyoun was sat on the floor next to Wooseok, who was lying down as he played his favourite sad ballads on his speakers. The rest of the members were either out or gathered in the living room, as was made obvious by the occasional interruptions of their peace by raised voices. After a long day of schedules and a few more self-inflicted sleepless nights than his members even Seungyoun couldn’t bring himself to face a group of his members who would inevitably look to him to provide the entertainment simply out of habit. Seungyoun’s relationship with Wooseok was a little bit different than with the other members. They were the same age for starters, which almost always enabled an easy dynamic between people, they both understood what it meant to be an already debuted idol and the conflicts of interest and guilt that came with that, and it was no secret that Wooseok had experienced similar mental trials to him. Though Seungyoun didn’t allow himself to fully unwind, somehow he found some of his defences crumbling ever so slightly whenever it was just the two of them.

Wooseok looked soft and thoughtful, not sad exactly but contemplative and perhaps a little torn. To distract himself from the sad lyrics of the song, Seungyoun studied Wooseok’s face. It was no secret from anyone that the smaller man was stunning, with his sparkling eyes and delicate features, how could someone not be attracted to him? It was only when Wooseok shifted to look at Seungyoun that he picked up his phone as a fake microphone and began dramatically lipsyncing to the lyrics. In just seconds Wooseok’s expression morphed from a neutral one to one of slight displeasure, with his eyebrows drawing together just enough for Seungyoun’s heartrate to increase out of anxiety about what was to come.

“You don’t have to be like that all the time, you know?” Wooseok said directly yet gently, knowing that this wasn’t the type of conversation anyone would prefer to be overheard.

“Like what?” Seungyoun choked out, his throat feeling like it was restricting under the weight of Wooseok’s gaze.

“The jokester. You can be tired or quiet too.” The younger male said, as he pulled himself up and into a cross-legged position opposite Seungyoun, their knees just barely grazing each other.

“I’m not-“ Seungyoun began, not feeling ready for this conversation, though he knew that it was inevitable.

“You are. When you think no one’s watching, you practically wilt. Doesn’t it tire you out faking being happy all the time?” Wooseok interrupted, his tone firm but not harsh.

“I… I don’t know.” Seungyoun admitting, feeling the strength in his body leaching out of it. Was he faking being happy? Did it really look like that to the others? He felt like his emotions were so distant and foreign to him that he didn’t know what he was feeling anymore after denying himself feeling anything for so long.

“Talk to me, I get this type of thing, you know.” Wooseok’s history of mental health issues was a bit of an elephant in the room. All of the members knew of it, probably stumbling across it in a quick preliminary search into who their competitors would be but as far as Seungyoun knew, Wooseok had never openly spoken about it to the members, yet Seungyoun had a sneaky suspicion that Seongwoo had been told more than he’d let on. For Wooseok to even allude to it made Seungyoun feel like the younger man was really opening up to him and that it would only be fair to do the same.

“Before, when I was on hiatus, I was genuinely happy when I was around people but as soon as I was alone I couldn’t handle it and I would become so depressed. But if I was ever to talk to someone, I wouldn’t feel it anymore because I’d be with someone. Now, I’m confused. Because I am happy and I’m hardly alone. But then I can’t tell where the boundary is between me being happy and being fake anymore. I don’t know what I’m feeling… I don’t even know if I am feeling anything.” Somewhere between the start and the end of Seungyoun’s speech, the younger male had crept forwards ever so slightly and had taken Seungyoun’s hands in his, a gesture Seungyoun didn’t even notice until afterwards.

“When its just us, you don’t have to be everything. We can fill in the gaps between us all.” Wooseok said quietly, just above a whisper, as his thumb ran over Seungyoun’s hand reassuringly.

“But they’re kids and they’re so so tired and me being like this helps them.” Seungyoun could hear the whine and tremble in his own voice. He’d debuted at 18 and knew how much more tiring it was emotionally to be working and figuring yourself out in the public eye and how the support of elder members was absolutely crucial. Selfishly, there was also a part of him who wanted to prove to the people on the internet who despised him and feared that a tattooed re-debuted failed idol with a fair few scandals would corrupt their pure, young idols that he could actually be a good support system.

“They’re mostly 17, not 10, and they know that everyone is tired, they don’t expect anything more from you than a shoulder to lean on and a friend to talk to.”

Wooseok allowed silence to descend upon the room, seeing how torn Seungyoun was just from his expression. There was more to be said, that was clear, and Wooseok knew better than to try to pull answers out of someone in this situation.

“I’m scared.” Seungyoun whispered, feeling like little more than a glass that was shattering, a circus act being unveiled from behind a curtain. A deep breath in and quick glance up at Wooseok’s expression, kind and concerned but not pitying like Seungyoun despised, was all he needed to gain the courage to continue.

“I’m scared that if I let myself rest, it’ll become dark like before and those thoughts will come back. I can’t feel like that again, especially now with so many eyes on us, with how little time we have.” As he began speaking he felt anxious but somehow calm but as he went on, admitting things that he hadn’t truly thought about in a while, he could feel himself getting more frantic. Wooseok squeezed his hands and looked directly into his eyes, grounding him in the moment and expelling the rest of the world from the room.

“I get that. But you need to let yourself feel things. You’re allowed to be down sometimes, but more than anything, you have us now, all of us. We’re here for you. We’re going to get through this.”

When the first few tears escaped from Seungyoun’s eyes, it came as a surprise. It was only when Wooseok pulled him into a tight embrace, closing all the distance between him that the emotions that had felt so distant and disconnected from him returned like a tidal wave. A mix of fear, relief and sadness crashed down upon him and for a moment Seungyoun couldn’t breathe from being so overwhelmed. Yet Wooseok anchored him to the dorm floor with his reassuring whispers, soft caresses and warm presence and soon the oppressive sadness faded out slightly as the feeling of reassurance took over.

Being in X1 was going to drain Seungyoun, mentally more than it would physically if that was even possible. But now he felt like he might just make it through and that happiness, true, sustainable happiness, was possible after all. All he needed was his members.


	2. Exhaustion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday was hard. Today too, will be hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this really quickly so that I can post something before I go on holiday so I hope this is okay.

What happened after his conversation with Wooseok was a bit of blur to Seungyoun. He thinks he must have just sat there clinging onto the smaller man, but whether it was for hours or minutes he couldn’t tell. He thinks Wooseok might have talked to him quietly, and he may have even replied, but he’d been so overwhelmed by everything that memories like that just didn’t stick into his brain. However, at some point, Wooseok coaxed him into his bed, tucking himself and Seungyoun into the blankets and wrapped his smaller frame around his, protecting him from behind. The comforting scent of Wooseok’s bedding, the warmth of his body close to his and the soft kisses Wooseok pressed to the back of his head, neck and shoulders somehow relaxed his frantic mind and body, allowing him to rest at last.

Upon awaking, Seungyoun felt tired which was a vast improvement to how exhausted he’d felt every day for weeks. Though some wouldn’t be happy about this, Seungyoun was pretty certain that a thick layer of exhaustion would push down on all of them for the next two and a half years, if not five and so feeling just tired was truly a blessing. The second thing Seungyoun noticed was that Wooseok had gone. For a second, Seungyoun was filled with anxiety, but quickly noticed the soft plushie that had been placed by his arms. It was one all the members were familiar with; a tatty stuffed toy that Wooseok must have had for years that never ever left his bed and that all the members knew better than to mess around with like they might with each other’s things. Of course, Wooseok could read him so well. Wrapping the toy in his arms, he rolled onto his back and as he stared up at the bedframe of the upper-bunkbed above him, he felt the embarrassment of yesterday finally sink in. Wooseok had just said an off-hand comment, surely he hadn’t wanted Seungyoun’s childish tears and depressed mood to ruin and take up all of his evening? Clenching his teeth as his heart rate and anxiety spiked, all Seungyoun could think was that he’d ruined everything. Wooseok knew. Seungyoun wasn’t sure what was worse, the fact that Wooseok knew, a person he found himself quickly being unable to deny his growing attraction to, or the inevitability that he was going to make Seungyoun tell everyone. The last thing he wanted was pitying conversation and being forced to talk and think about how he was doing. He just wanted to stop, stop thinking, stop feeling, stop being. Seungyoun realised with a jolt that though last night had been a comforting release of emotions, he now found himself in a place much darker than he had expected. Hands shaking and eyes prickling with yet more tears, Seungyoun felt hopeless and entirely unready to face anyone.

That, however, was not his choice. Not long later, Wooseok crept into the room, his heart clenching at the sight of Seungyoun staring blankly upwards even when his emotions were clear in his eyes. Kneeling beside the bed, Wooseok leaned towards Seungyoun, his hand resting upon the larger man’s.

“Good morning,” Wooseok whispered. It was only then that Seungyoun’s frozen body reacted to his presence as he turned his head towards Wooseok.

“Morning,” Seungyoun replied, punctuating his whisper with a forced tight-lipped, small smile.

“Seongwoo ordered breakfast, we got your favourite.” Talking both of Seungyoun’s hands in his, Wooseok guided him into an upright position.

“Will you come with me?” Bending down, Wooseok’s doe eyes met Seungyoun’s sharper ones, pleading softly with a gentle smile on his face. Seungyoun nodded softly and was rewarded with a quick kiss on his cheek, leaving the pair of them with reddened cheeks and ears.

“I-I’m going to have to tell them, aren’t I? Wooseok, I can’t-“ The gravity of where they were going didn’t hit Seungyoun until their pair, whose hands were locked together, approached the door. It was then that Seungyoun began to panic, his breathing becoming erratic. Wooseok paused and allowed for a few seconds to coax Seungyoun’s breathing down to a safe rate.

“We’ll tell them, together. And only the basics unless you want to say any more than that.” Wooseok said, with enough firmness to reassure the older male, but his tone staying calm and kind.

“I’m so proud of you, baby. You’re doing so well.” Wooseok said quietly just as they exited the room, the living room still down the corridor and around a corner.

“I’m not.” Seungyoun scoffed. All the boys were having a hard time and they were all excelling but he could barely function, how was that doing well?

“You are feeling so incredibly awful, yet you’re walking here with me. Can’t you see how brilliant and brave you are?” Though Seungyoun wasn’t sure if he agreed, he couldn’t suspect for a second that Wooseok didn’t mean what he was saying as his eyes shone with pride and perhaps that is what kept Seungyoun’s feet moving.

They walked out to a full living room. All the boys were doing their own things or messing around with each other, but it was clear they were gathered together for something, for him. His feet felt like they were nailed to the floor, the nervous smiles from the members making him want to retreat back to his bed and hide there forever. But of course, Wooseok wasn’t going to allow that, guiding him forwards and sitting down beside him.

Seungyoun supposes he must have just started talking under the pressure of the many eyes upon him, probably something vague and weak in a shaking voice coming from a shaking body, but what exactly his memory had completely blanked. At some point, Wooseok took over, his firm grip on his hands never ceasing, and Seongwoo’s hand never leaving his thigh. Seungyoun felt like he was floating during and a little while after the conversation, not quite present or aware of himself or what the others were doing. It was only when the noise of the dorm returned and the members started grabbing their breakfast as if nothing had changed that he felt like maybe he could breathe. When Dohyon sided up next to him, thrusting a warm bowl of food into his hands and started talking animatedly about something Eunsang had done in the night, Seungyoun naturally found himself smiling, even laughing.

“Hyung, I know I’m young and I don’t know much but I hope we can rely on each other,” Dohyon said quietly when there was a lull in their conversation after they’d finished eating. Closing the already small gap between them, the young boy wrapped his long limbs around Seungyoun in a way that certainly wasn’t unfamiliar.

Yes, Seungyoun thought, all I need is my members.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos and comments, you have no idea how much it motivates me! If anyone has any suggestions about scenes or preferences about which members I do next, let me know!


	3. Eunsang: Of Produce and Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eunsang and Seungyoun stuggle, but they'll do it together.

Eunsang was without a doubt one of the most beloved younger contestants on Produce X 101; nearly every contestant had commented on how cute he was. It didn't matter how many positions were snatched out of his hands, he seemingly remained bright, moved on to focus on the next available position and continued to be determined to show everything he could. Consequently, his reaction to the final, though completely warranted and expected for anyone else, shocked viewers and trainees alike. Onstage, Eunsang looked defeated but overall blank. After the cameras turned off, he began to cry but the real extent to his emotional trauma was revealed backstage. He attempted to dodge the eliminated trainees and his fellow Brand New Music trainees wherever he could. It took a 20-minute intervention from Wooseok, with a guest appearance from Jinhyuk, for him to be able to look Wooseok in the eyes, with the guilt of the X position heavily weighing down upon him. Seungyoun watched from the side-lines whenever there was a break in the crowds that separated him from the younger boy but simply didn't know what to say to him. He wouldn’t say that things were awkward between him and Eunsang, but they weren’t the closest of the trainees as of yet so Seungyoun didn’t really think it was his place to intervene.

Seeking a break from everything, exhausted by the intensity of his own emotions from the delight to the agony, Seungyoun found what he thought would be an empty side room down a corridor with the lights off. Turning the room's light on, he found Eunsang on the floor in the corner, body curled up over his bent knees, quietly crying. The light announced his presence and Eunsang quickly dabbed at his face with his sleeves, though his tear tracks, swollen eyes and reddened face would take time and effort to remove. Seungyoun quietly sat down beside the younger boy, taking his hand in his and patting his cheek, wiping a few stray tears in the process, so he'd rest his head on his broad shoulder.

“Congratulations”. Seungyoun whispered, rubbing circles on Eunsang’s hand. Eunsang frowned, his tears readily flowing down his face again, as he lightly shook his head.

"Don't think for a second you don't deserve this. You've worked so hard." Seungyoun scooted forwards so that he was sat in front of the crying younger boy, his legs spread slightly so he could get as close to him as possible, in spite of Eunsang’s bent knees.

"It shouldn't have been me. Jinhyuk hyung or Minkyu-“ Eunsang choked out, practically sobbing at this point.

“Would have done great here, and we would have been happy for them. But they didn’t get in – You did. And we’re all so so happy for you. Our little vitamin.” With one hand caressing Eunsang’s head, and the other his cheek, Seungyoun tried his best to comfort him, his heart breaking at the thought of someone who had only ever shown him a bright image quickly breaking before his eyes.

“I’m not good enough.” Eunsang muttered, sounding absolutely devastated. Seungyoun felt like the air had been sucked out of his lungs because he knew that feeling, he still does, and he wished with every fibre of his being that Eunsang didn’t have to feel this way and suffer the consequences of it.

“Who said? You’re a natural dancer, your vocal tone is unique and eye-catching, you’ve got some of the best expressions out there, you’ve got the cute factor but you can do mature concepts too and most of all you work incredibly hard. You deserve this. You might not believe me right now, but one day, you will. It might take days, it might be years, but one day you’ll see your own worth and you’ll be amazed.” Seungyoun spoke slowly, surprised by the confidence in his voice and by the time he’d finished talking, Eunsang had just finished crying, though he couldn’t stop the occasional sharp and shaking intakes of breath that followed. They sat like this for quite a few minutes more, Seungyoun smoothing down Eunsang’s hair, blotting his face and smoothing out his makeup until Eunsang summoned a small smile; it wasn’t a happy one, but it was an ‘I can manage now’ kind of smile that Seungyoun was well practised in himself.

“There is a hell of a lot of people that want to congratulate you out there because they know how good you are.” Seungyoun said, as he gently pulled Eunsang to his feet and then into a quick but firm hug.

“Stick by me if you need to.” Seungyoun said as he guided Eunsang out of the room, their hands connected behind his back in a way that wouldn’t be obvious to anyone briefly looking on, but enough that Eunsang had something, someone, to hold onto.

Eunsang was much quieter in the dorms than Seungyoun had seen of him in the Produce dorms. He hadn’t been openly emotional, and neither had mentioned what had happened on the night of the final since. Seungyoun had thought that though it was desperately unfortunate, the incident might have been all they needed to become truly close with one another but it appeared that nothing had changed. He wasn’t sure if it was just because they were all so busy or because of how withdrawn he’d been and the bit of tension his announcement regarding his mental health had brought, or whether it was down to Eunsang. Regardless, it felt like there was a glass wall between him and the younger boy; present and looming, but bound to crack at some point.

It was safe to say that they were pretty sheltered for the first few days of their time together as a group, with their phones being taken away and with there being too few hours in the day amid their packed schedules to bother checking anything on any other devices. Consequently, when the company staged a meeting to inform them all of the accusations currently being made against Mnet and consequently the current line-up, it did come as a shock. They were assured that the line-up was not going to change, but everyone was visibly on edge. Of course, none of them was as naïve to think that Mnet didn’t manipulate the footage, shift screen time towards the favourites and ultimately affect the final line-up, but the idea that some of them shouldn’t technically be there was terrifying. Seungyoun happened to be sat next to Eunsang during the meeting and somehow found himself glancing over at the younger man throughout it. Aside from his increasingly darkening under eyes from lack of sleep, Eunsang looked extremely pale. He was aggressively rubbing his hands together under the table in a way that must have hurt him, and if they stilled for a second, Seungyoun could see that they were shaking. Not wanting to draw any attention to Eunsang, it was after all a work meeting and not the time for anything other than work, Seungyoun settled for reaching out and lightly smoothing Eunsang’s hair. It would look casual to the others, but Seungyoun needed Eunsang to know that he’d seen him and that he was there.

When the meeting ended, the tense atmosphere in the room became oppressive. They’d been advised to stay away from social media and article comments but the fact that Swing hadn’t mentioned which members were the ones viewed by the public as undeserving, or even as to whether it was really true, it was clear none of them could shake the curiosity to know whether they truly made the cut. From a quick glance at the screen, Seungyoun thankfully saw that despite the large number of people that would prefer him dead than in the final line-up, it was doubtless that he still would have made it. The knowledge numbed the anxiety racing round his body and allowed him to stop thinking of himself. The others barely noticed when Eunsang got up, quietly announcing that he was going to go get a drink, too engrossed in their torment, attempting and inevitably failing to dodge the deluge of hurtful comments they couldn’t help but stumble upon. A small part of Seungyoun was a little bit frustrated by how Eunsang was ignored, but Seungyoun knew Eunsang was far from being the only one who was wounded by the crushing pressure of attention, the sharp words of the public and the often harsher comments from your own thoughts.

Seungyoun followed Eunsang out as quick as he could without it raising concern and was briefly grateful to find that Eunsang hadn’t made it far down the corridor. Bent over at the waist, with his hands bracing his knees, Seungyoun heard the shaky and frantic short breaths coming from the younger boy before he could truly see him; Eunsang was on the cusp of having a panic attack. Seungyoun rushed over, quickly dropping to his knees and cupping Eunsang’s face in his hands and said nothing, just breathed in and out slowly and obviously, trying to encourage Eunsang to breathe normally and bring him back from the edge. They stayed like that for a minute or so before Eunsang slumped down next to Seungyoun, who dabbed at the smaller boy’s tears with his sleeve.

“I knew I shouldn’t have gotten in.” Eunsang gasped out before another burst of tears came through. Looking at him, Seungyoun was struck by how he seemed both young and old at the same time. He looked exhausted, though Seungyoun wasn’t sure if it was physically or whether his inner exhaustion was projecting outwards, but beneath that he looked like a child. And he was, just nearing seventeen, and already exposed to so much pain and suffering. Though Seungyoun despised the cruel voice in his head, he was thankful it hasn’t tainted his teenage years, that he was able to get so far before he became his own worst enemy. If it had come any earlier in his life, Seungyoun wasn’t sure if he would have survived it. But he was determined that Eunsang would.

“Listen, this whole thing isn’t our fault, that’s for Mnet to deal with. This team is not changing, and you have worked so hard to be here. Anyone that denies you your place hasn’t been paying attention.” Seungyoun said firmly, gripping Eunsang’s hand in his.

“How am I supposed to face the world when they know if things were different, I wouldn’t be there?” Eunsang said softly, looking up at Seungyoun hopelessly as if he might just have the answers to everything.

“The way you get up in the morning and you talk to the members and do your job and get through the day. It’ll be hard, but you’ll do it.” Seungyoun pulled the smaller boy into as tight of a hug as he could with the both of them sat on the floor.

“I can’t stop shaking.” Eunsang sighed, and Seungyoun could feel it, it was like his whole body was vibrating.

“Here’s a trick I learnt. See that weird stain on the ceiling? Just stare at that like it’s the most beautiful painting in the world for as long as you can. Push every thought out of your head and just focus on it for a while.”

Forgetting they were just in a slightly less used corridor of their company building, the pair lied down on the floor, looking up at what Seungyoun thought must be a coffee stain, but how it got on the ceiling he’ll never know. Seungyoun’s mind was racing with concern for the younger boy, but quickly glancing over at him Seungyoun saw that some of the tension of his face relax slightly, his tears stopped falling and his shaking had just about stopped. Seungyoun thought that maybe, just maybe, if he couldn’t make himself want to live for himself all of the time, the fact that Eunsang might need him could keep him going.

“You… Does it feel like before?” Eunsang said suddenly, after rather a while.

“Hmm… Before I was alone and that was so tiring and difficult. Now there are so many eyes on me and there’s so much pressure, but I have my 10-man support unit. Both are hard, difficult in different ways, but I think I prefer this now.” Seungyoun said with a small smile, the pair turning their heads to look at each other, their hands linked together like their experiences, forever tied to each other.

“Are we doing well, hyung?” Eunsang asked, rolling onto his side, his body curling up besides Seungyoun’s larger one.

“We’re doing amazing, Eunsang-ie. It’s hard, isn’t it, to wake up in the morning and make yourself do things? To make yourself smile when you’re feeling miserable? To work when all the energy has drained out of you? To put effort into yourself when you can’t see your own worth? We’re doing so so well.” Seungyoun could feel his throat tightening and tears prickling at his eyes but forced them back. For him to say words that had been said at him time and time again that he never believed seemed like a breakthrough. He wasn’t sure if he truly believed it now, but for once he really wanted to, for the both of them.

“Does it ever get easier?” Eunsang asked, his voice just barely over a whisper, laced with concern.

“Maybe. Every day will be different; one day you’ll be flying high, thinking nothing can pull you down, the next you’ll be at the bottom thinking there’s no way you’ll get back up there.”

“Hyung… On those hard days, let’s talk to each other.” Eunsang said slowly, with a resolution that he hadn’t seen in months.

“Okay.” Seungyoun said, smiling wider than he had for a while too.

Gently, and if Seungyoun hadn’t have been paying attention he might not have noticed, Eunsang curled his pinkie finger over his. Promise.

Seungyoun’s next hard day was only a few days later when he simply woke up feeling awful. There was no trigger, no rhyme or reason, just the tide of depression returning to the shore, its waves crashing down upon him as soon as his eyes opened. He wouldn’t have eaten if it wasn’t for Seongwoo’s determination that they must all eat together to minimise the potential for members to skip meals; there was already a lot of mental obstacles to deal with, eating disorders did not need to be one of them. It was tasteless that day, even though it was a food Seungyoun usually loved. He couldn’t remember if he said anything over breakfast, he could barely comprehend his own thoughts but he was faintly aware of the continuous loop of the thought ‘I shouldn’t be here’, but whether that meant the group or on the earth anymore, he couldn’t quite make up his mind.

He didn’t feel present, like he watching a scene play out before him but he wasn’t a character within it. His focus was gone throughout the whole of the practice; he couldn’t hit notes the way he usually did, couldn’t catch the rhythm even though it usually came naturally to him, couldn’t remember the steps they were learning even though he knew them yesterday. The trainers were getting increasingly frustrated, knowing that Seungyoun wasn’t normally like this and blaming it on a lack of determination. Their harsh words had little effect, every criticism of him Seungyoun had already thought of, amplified by 10 times in his mind. If they called him lazy, he thought he was worthless. After the dance practice ended, which went on for much longer mostly because of Seungyoun’s mistakes, the rest of the members headed for home, somewhat reluctantly letting Seungyoun stay behind, who smiled and promised that he just wasn’t able to get into the zone but if he practised for just a few more hours, he was sure he’d nail it. He didn’t miss the way Seongwoo hesitated at the door, or how Wooseok seemed to stare into his soul, trying to figure him out, but regardless, they were all too tired to hang around.

As soon as they left, Seungyoun threw himself into practice. Inevitably he was no better than before, in fact, he was worse. His tension and frustration flowed out into his dancing and he was too harsh, too fast and disjointed. He went on for a few more rounds before the frustration within him built up and exploded. Yelling out in annoyance at himself, Seungyoun crumpled to the floor, his muscles aching from overuse, but his thoughts hurt more. How could he not be able to do it, he was the most experienced there? He had the thought that he just didn’t want to do any of this anymore; he’d had enough of everything.

“Hyung, if you stand up now, you’re just a little bit further up from the bottom.” A familiar soft voice called out before him. Glancing up he saw Eunsang, flushed suggesting he’d also been practising in another room. The younger boy extended his hands towards Seungyoun, and slowly pulled him to his feet, his legs a little bit shakier than he’d expected.

“How about we start practice a little bit early tomorrow? There’s no point now; it’s not a good day. But tomorrow might be. And if it’s not, that’s okay too. We can push through it, hyung, there’s time.” Eunsang said with a soft, understanding smile that was so far from any condescending smiles he’d faced in the past. Eunsang left little room for argument as he guided him out of the room, their hands locked together.

The car ride back to their dorm was quiet, the pair of them exhausted by the day and by life, but it was a comfortable, safe silence.

“You’ve worked hard today, hyung.” Eunsang whispered with a smile as the car neared the dorm.

“You too, Eunsang-ie, thank you.” Seungyoun whispered in response, taking Eunsang’s hand in his and twisting their pinkie fingers together. Promise.

When Seungyoun reflected on this later, he realised how wrong his assumptions about things were. He assumed that he’d only be ever taking from his members, exhausting their patience with his bad moods and low energy. But looking at how Eunsang had mirrored his actions from the final, Seungyoun saw that the more he reached out, the more he could help his members and be helped in return. All he needed was his members, and sometimes, they’ll need him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and kudos it really motives me!  
I wanted to keep this fic very Seungyoun-centric but I think I needed a way to channel my worries about Eunsang into something productive. I also love the idea that the members are helping each other through all the difficulties they're having. Thank you very much to the commenter that suggested I write on Eunsang next, this was very much influenced by that! So if you have anything you'd like to see in this fic, please comment! I have an idea for what I want to do for Chacha and Seongwoo but I also want it to be inspired by canon moments too so we shall see!


	4. Junho: Of Therapists and Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's better to do things together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I've been so uninspired to update this because Seungyoun had just seemed so so so happy lately! Which makes me so happy! If he keeps this up I might never end up updating, which to be fair I'd be okay with so long as he is happy! Also after not posting anything for over a week I updated both my X1 fics on the same day!

A week or so into X1’s debut, Seungyoun was utterly taken aback by just how happy he had been. He couldn’t remember when he’d last been so happy for such an extended period of time. He couldn’t believe that he’d done it, that they’d all done it. None of them could lie and say that the ominous threat of the police investigation and the constant criticism of the lineup didn’t get to them. But at the same time, Seungyoun had scrolled past their album sale figures and had seen the chart too many times to not realise that they were succeeding. At last. And he was happy. He’d known that most of all the source of his initial sadness during UNIQ’s hiatus was not being able to perform but he’d forgotten just how much joy it brought him, he truly thought that he was in his element. Fansigns were exhausting but so rewarding for him. And being with the members was amazing. He found that he was slowly breaking down the barriers that only he had put up and he was shocked by just how close they were. It had only been a month or so of truly being with each other and he wouldn’t feel shy about calling them a family.

It didn’t take long for him to realise that his happiness had caught his members off guard a little bit. It made sense, of course, only a few days before he was in a complete slump and revealing his mental health history and now he was bouncing off the walls and smiling brightly, they were probably right to have their concerns. Eunsang had made a habit of squeezing his hand whenever he went to his room as if saying ‘come with me if you want to talk’ but Seungyoun never felt the need to take him up on the offer unless it was Eunsang that was appearing sad. Seungyoun wasn’t sure but he thought that Dohyon clung to him slightly more than the others, and perhaps that had to do with what they now knew about him. As he lay on his bed listening to music with Wooseok curled up at his side one day, Wooseok asked how he was doing, in a serious way that said he was expected to be honest and open. But his expression wasn’t concerned or suspicious like it used to be, more cautious like he truly was just checking up on him. Seungyoun had smiled and said that he really was happy and that had seemed enough to content Wooseok, who curled up even closer.

Seungyoun wasn’t as naïve to think that he would continue to float on this bubble of happiness for the rest of his life, he was pretty certain that he’d always have a little bit of depression at his side. Still, when a manager told him that they’d finally managed to get an appointment with a therapist that wasn’t going to clash with their schedules, Seungyoun found himself inwardly arguing that he didn’t need to go anymore. Instead, he smiled and said he’d drive himself since it wasn’t a proper schedule. The manager, quite visibly pleased to get a Monday morning off work, nodded quickly and wished him luck. Seungyoun did not want to go alone by any means and realised afterwards that he’d probably asked that so that he could just avoid going, by intentionally taking the wrong turn, just to put off the inevitable. Before he left that morning, he’d pretty much convinced himself that he wasn’t going to go, but couldn’t shake the anxiety drumming through his body which made him twitchy, unable to sit down for too long and just overall shaky.

Readying himself to leave, Seungyoun grabbed his keys off the coffee table and turned to go.

“Seungyoun hyung!” He heard a familiar voice yell out just as he was about to open the door. Turning back around, Seungyoun was faced with an awkward and nervous-looking Cha Junho who simultaneously looked like he had something he needed to say, and like he didn’t want to be there at all. Seungyoun looked at him expectantly for a few seconds, trying to prompt Junho to talk to him.

“Can I come with you?” The younger boy asked hesitantly. Of all things to say, Seungyoun hadn’t expected that. And knowing that all the members knew where he was going, if any of them were to volunteer to go with him, Junho was not the one he expected to do it.

Junho and Seungyoun’s relationship was still in the early stages of getting used to each other. They really hadn’t had much contact whatsoever on Produce, and upon moving into the dorm it became abundantly clear how different they were from each other. Seungyoun knew that he probably was a little bit too loud and energetic for the introverted Cha Junho, that he probably got on his nerves sometimes and that he wouldn’t be the first person the younger boy would pick to spend his time with. It was, therefore, safe to say that Seungyoun was stunned into silence by the proposal.

“I-I just thought you might like some company… I don’t have to though…” Junho stammered out after a few moments, taking Seungyoun’s silence for a rejection.

“No! I’d love it if you came with me, thank you, Junho.” Seungyoun replied quickly, trying to pull back Junho who was rapidly mentally retreating.

With that, the pair exited the building and piled into Seungyoun’s car. They drove pretty much in silence as Seungyoun’s playlist played in the background. Seungyoun knew his music taste wasn’t to Junho’s preference, but he could see the younger boy moving to the beat slightly out of the corner of his eye. Junho’s proposal had momentarily distracted Seungyoun from where he was going and how anxious he was feeling about it, but as he began driving those thoughts and feelings returned to him and he could feel the sense of panic begin to descend upon him.

Getting out of the car, going to the office and signing in, the pair remained in silence so much that Seungyoun wondered why Junho had decided to come with him. He thought maybe Junho wanted to book an appointment for himself or he’d been asked to come by another member who was busy, because it really didn’t seem like Junho wanted to be there. As they sat in the waiting room side by side facing the clock that seemed to be rapidly approaching his appointment time, Seungyoun felt his heart racing, breath rate increasing and began to feel faintly dizzy. However, when Seungyoun felt like he was teetering over the edge, he was suddenly tethered back down to earth as Junho took his hand in his, rubbing it lightly with his thumb. Turning to face him, Seungyoun saw Junho looking up at him with a soft smile, concern palpable in his eyes as he inhaled and exhaled clearly through his mouth. When Seungyoun’s breathing had calmed a bit, Junho shot him a toothy smile which Seungyoun always thought exposed how young he really was. They stayed like that peacefully until it was only a few minutes until Seungyoun’s appointment and he could feel his body tremble with nerves and his grip on Junho’s hand tighten slightly.

When Seungyoun’s name was called, Junho quickly pulled him into a tight hug, though he flushed and looked away when he pulled away. Of course it didn’t magic away his nervousness but Seungyoun felt like he used to feel more anxious when he had come before. The appointment went rather well, Seungyoun explaining his recent mood changes, his new support system and just his overall thought process. His therapist seemed pleased but urged him to remember that mental health had its ups and downs and if he fixated too much on how good things were now, his next low could be worse than it would have been. It hadn’t been any information he hadn’t already known, but it was nice talking to a professional, someone who had seen him in a much darker place.

When Seungyoun emerged from the office, he expected to see Junho slouched over his phone or dozing in the corner. Instead, he found him engrossed in reading the information booklet for the clinic, which he quickly hid under his leg when Seungyoun approached and sat back down beside him.

“You’re really brave for coming today, hyung.” Junho said softly, taking Seungyoun’s hand again. Junho had always been known to be quite tactile, but he’d not really been with Seungyoun before now.

“I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t come with me.” Seungyoun scoffed softly.

“You could have said no. But you didn’t.” Junho said with a firmness that Seungyoun wasn’t used to.

“I like spending time with you, hyung. You’re fun. Even when you’re sad, you can still be funny. Even when I’m fine, I’m still a robot.” Junho said after silence had descended upon them for a moment. At first, his expression was bright but as he began to talk about himself, the volume of his voice dipped and a frown formed on his face.

“It’s easy for me to be loud and play the comedian, but it’s hard for me to just be quiet and thoughtful, which I struggled with when we were practising for our debut. For you it’s the opposite. Neither is better or worse than the other. Both are hard.” Seungyoun assured him, turning his body in the chair so that he was facing Junho, who looked like he was forcing himself to maintain eye-contact when he was much more comfortable looking down.

“I don’t think I could ever make myself come here.” Junho muttered with a sigh, his hand reaching for the crumpled leaflet at his side, nervousness rolling off him in waves.

Seungyoun had been aware of how both sides of the coin were cursed for quite a while. As an extroverted person, people expected him to be so obvious with his feelings that he couldn’t possibly harbour sad feelings. Whereas Junho, as an introvert, suffered through his life from the neglect that was labelling anxiety as simple shyness, a personality trait rather than a condition, something you should grow out of naturally and easily rather than have seen to.

“I could come with you.” Seungyoun smiled and Junho returned a small one.

Later, back at the dorm, Seungyoun and Junho poured over the leaflet, talking about Junho’s different options and Seungyoun’s experiences, amidst laughs and the occasional tear. With a hug, they eventually left it for the night but the next day, the pair of them would ask the manager to book an appointment, ensuring that both of them were free to attend it.

Seungyoun and his members needed each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kudos it has been really overwhelming, though please leave some if you haven't already!  
I can't say it enough but comments really give me so much happiness and inspiration so please leave one, even if it's only short! Who should I write next? Are there any moments that you'd like to see play out?


	5. Seungwoo: Of Chinese and Counselling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to be away from their original groups, for both of them.

When Seungyoun realised he was going to debut with Seungwoo and Wooseok, he had been initially relieved. He thought that they’d understand each other better than the younger members ever would, with them only having known the fragile bonds of trainees, with some like Yohan never even having that. But Seungyoun quickly learnt as he watched the two already debuted members that he didn’t understand what they were going through. Sure Seungyoun had UNIQ but unless there was a radical political overhaul then they were never really going to come back together. Seungyoun being in X1 didn’t affect UNIQ anymore than him not being would have. But for Wooseok and Seungwoo, they could see what they were leaving behind, with the knowledge that if their rank had dropped they’d be quite happily back in the arms of members who knew them much better than he did and that they could be promoting together. They had to succeed with the knowledge that their original members would probably never experience anything close to it. And all of the members could see how hard it was on the older member, with the more forward-thinking of them realising that they’d probably experience a similar feeling once X1 was over and done with.

Seungwoo, in particular, had a hard time with everything, that much was clear to Seungyoun. He was the leader of Victon so of course it was going to be even worse to be unable to guide them. Plus, being the eldest member of X1 meant that there was no one he could easily shoulder responsibility with. The kids had given him his own room because they didn’t want to disturb him but Seungyoun knew there was almost always a member in his room for a counselling session, which must be draining in more than one way. For that reason, Seungyoun truly didn’t want to be a burden on Seungwoo. He knew he was anyway, that Seungwoo always watched him carefully if he was being too loud or too quiet, that he monitored his medication and appointments and he’d caught him more than once explaining to the younger members what he was experiencing and lightly encouraging them to go talk to him. Still, even though Seungwoo was the most qualified out of all the members to talk to about his problems, if it got bad enough Seungyoun would seek out someone else just to reduce Seungwoo’s stress.

Seungyoun had been remarkably stable for a few weeks. Of course, he still had down moments but it was nothing that a quick cuddle in Wooseok’s bed didn’t fix (don’t ask about their relationship status – Seungyoun wasn’t ready to face it). Seungyoun thought he’d finally cracked the code to happiness and naively began to think that it would take a lot to pull him down from this. Of course, it was rarely the big obstacles that tripped you up, but rather the small things you don’t even notice in your path. They’d been filming for some show that was trying to pretend to be global, even though it was hard for anyone outside Korea to stream it and there would be no subtitles. They’d asked Seungyoun to say something in Chinese and his mind had fully buffered, any grasp of vocabulary had run out of his grasp and Seungyoun found himself apologising and saying that he needed to study more, that he was getting a bit rusty. To the others, and perhaps to Seungyoun if he was in a different mood on a different day, it didn’t exactly mean much, how could you expect to stay good at a language you don’t speak often? But for Seungyoun, it completely knocked him off form. For the rest of the broadcast, the ride home and the majority of the evening, Seungyoun just kept thinking that he should have known it – his group was half Korean, half Chinese. He could hear the members making fun of his pronunciation but helping him regardless, he could remember all their schedules and their songs but the words felt distant, _they_ felt distant.

Seungyoun was lying facedown on his bed when he heard the door open. He assumed it was Hangyul and for that reason, he wasn’t in a hurry to move. Hangyul was the perfect roommate in most respects; it had taken him days at most to realise what Seungyoun needed from him as a roommate and Hangyul’s ability to lift the mood and joke around made their room feel like a relaxing safe-space.

“Hey. Where’s Hangyul?” Not Hangyul but rather Seungwoo asked.

“Bullying Dohyon probably.” Seungyoun tried to joke, though he couldn’t find it in himself to laugh, as he rolled onto his side to face Seungwoo who had sat on the floor facing Seungyoun’s bed.

“Yeah, probably. How are you holding up? You seem a bit off.” Seungwoo had never been one to beat around the bush, he knew that time was something idols had so little of and that solving problems as soon as they arose was the smartest course of action. Seungyoun wasn’t used to such a direct approach, but he supposed it would prevent him from being in a slump for too long.

“I’m fine, hyung.” Seungyoun said dismissively. He _did _want to talk about how he was feeling because he knew it would speed up the healing process of it all. But it was Seungwoo. If it had been Hangyul or Yohan or even the younger members he would have told them straight away, even though their words wouldn’t be as comforting and they wouldn’t have understood. But to tell Seungwoo would feel like he was mocking him.

“None of that, come on. Talk to me.” Seungwoo said in a way that was both gentle but firm, as he scooted forward and placed a hand gently over his.

“It’s nothing, really.” Seungyoun said, but even he could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

“Good. Tell me about nothing then.” Seungwoo had a small smile that said he didn’t believe Seungyoun for a second.

“I just… I should’ve known the Chinese. I know UNIQ is never going to get back together but… I should know it… Sorry, hyung, it’s stupid, I know. You have it harder, I shouldn’t complain.” Seungyoun found himself mumbling and tripping over his words, feeling terrible in his own right but worsened by the guilt that came with pouring out his insignificant worries to his leader who had so much to worry about already. Seungyoun avoided the other man’s eyes but when Seungwoo started stroking his hair, he naturally found himself looking up at him. He was frowning but Seungyoun didn’t think it was at him, but rather in disagreement with his words.

“Hey, it's all hard. Of course, the circumstances are different but it’s really the people that make it difficult. In that respect, you have it harder. At least all my members are in the country.” Seungwoo said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Isn’t that what makes it harder though? Your members are so close, but so out of reach.” Seungyoun said quietly, sitting up and absentmindedly playing with Seungwoo’s hands in his lap. Seungyoun had never really considered that Seungwoo might think he had it harder, but Seungyoun disagreed; it was easier to accept being away from your members when it was impossible to meet up with them than it would be to know that you’re too busy to see them, when they have so much free time to see you.

“It’s funny. I only ever wanted to perform, I didn’t need the success. But now, that’s all I want for them, so that I can feel like the world isn’t completely unfair.” Seungwoo scoffed, the tension in his voice rising as he continued to talk, before he rested his head against Seungyoun’s bed.

“So you can look them in the eye… It’s hard, isn’t it hyung?” Seungyoun asked as he slid off his bed and curled up next to the older man.

“Yeah… I should be leading them…” Seungwoo said with a weak determination, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Do you regret this?” Seungyoun whispered, fearing the answer but needing to hear it.

“Do I regret being in X1? Not for a second. But do I regret being away from Victon? Of course. It’s a tricky one. In a dream world we would have all done well originally, but then we wouldn’t have all met, and that would have been a shame.”

“Thanks, hyung. I feel better. After all this idol stuff, you should be a counsellor.” Seungyoun said softly, pulling Seungwoo into a tight hug, unsure which of them needed it more anymore.

“I know you don’t want to burden me, but my door’s always open for you. If you want to talk to someone, that’s great. But if it should be me, then come see me. Now go sleep.” Seungwoo said directly before ruffling Seungyoun’s hair and leaving the room.

They didn’t always understand each other, but Seungyoun knew that he and his members would try their best to, to have each other’s backs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote Seungwoo at last! What do you think? I've reached the end of the chapters I had ideas for so if anyone has any pairings or ideas they want to see, comment!  
Please kudos and comment! Thank you for reading!


	6. Author's Note

For the time being, I have decided to stop writing this story/collection of stories. For the most part it is because I am in my final year of university and I really want to focus my little time and energy there. Additionally, some may have noticed in the chapter notes that I have been feeling uninspired to write this. This is mostly because the members have seemed so happy and I feel rather uncomfortable projecting negative thoughts onto them. Also from a personal perspective, I have become more so aware of the severity, danger and elusiveness of mental health problems and I do not feel qualified or sensitive enough to write about them in a way that is meaningful, supportive and worthwhile.   
I am tremendously thankful for the attention this has received and I apologise if anyone is disappointed in my choice.   
I will, however, continue to try and work on posting the final chapter of my other Seungseok fic Your Cold Eyes and hope that will be completed soon.   
Thank you very much.

**Author's Note:**

> If people enjoy this then I plan to add more chapters with each other members comforting Seungyoun in their own ways!  
Please kudos and comment it means everything!  
Also hit me up on @x1clown on twitter


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